


la lune

by BittersweetEnvy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Because yes, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda, M/M, Pining, The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman, Zoe redemption!, brief stuff, connor has bpd, connor the weed boi, first work in deh, jared has two moms au, larry is an asshole but it'll get better, slow burn is out the window
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-01-17 07:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12360858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BittersweetEnvy/pseuds/BittersweetEnvy
Summary: the insanely cool jared kleinman:fine but don't make this weird.connor:oh it will beor; a gay connor/jared fic because it needs love??





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am very nervous about this. a longer chapter on Monday tho,,

     On Connor's list of the people he absolutely fucking hated, the infamous Jared Kleinman would be number two, because Larry had already taken the number one spot. The rest of the list would be everyone else.

It's not like he couldn't handle Jared, (he was dealing with enough shit already,) but there was one thing that Connor couldn't stand about him.

He was _fucking cute._

He came to the realization when he grabbed the weed from under his mattress and slipped out of his bedroom window. Connor had just left school, (he stayed the whole day, to make his mom stop crying about it the previous night) and it was another day of hell. Jared called him a freak and snickered, but Connor was so tired from staying up all night that he just turned and stared. Silently. He liked this better than fighting, actually. Just looking at Jared's confused face until he called him a freak again and ran off.

Connor didn't know where he was at that point, (Under a tree?) but he pulled out his joint and his lighter. It took a few flicks, but he finally lit it and inhaled so much that his eyes started watering. He tried to ignored his shaky hands and began focusing on other things. His first thoughts went to Jared, (which was weird) but he blamed it on the weed.

It wasn't the weed, he realized.

Now, he couldn't get high without thinking about Jared. Jared's whiskey brown eyes and hair, or his fucking nerdy square glasses that framed his face so nicely- and Connor was so fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was weird to write, lol.

     Having a crush on Jared fucking Kleinman is not easy.

Many reasons included: he was a dick, he made sex jokes every second he got the chance, he was as straight as a fucking line, and he made Connor's life a personal living hell.

Connor didn't know what was wrong with him. Why did he have to fall for all the assholes?

Having this crush also meant that he had another predicament: go to school and have Jared call you a freak, or smoke weed and think about him all day, wallowing in self pity? Connor decided that he could handle the first option.

So he skipped out on family breakfast, which he knows he'll get a lecture from Larry for, and drove to school. He felt everyone's eyes on his back as he locked up his car and made his way to his locker. This was the easy part, getting there. Despite himself, Connor realized he was glancing around, trying to find Jared. He palmed his eyes and cursed at himself to stop.

"So the school shooter talks to himself before he plans to do it? How cliché."

Connor shot up. Huh. That's a new one.

He turned and saw Jared, and that other kid, (Hansen?) with that stupid fucking grin on his face. Connor felt his face go red with anger and embarassment. Jared's grin grew wider.

"What's on your mind, freak? Or are you thinking of ways to kill everyone?"

Okay, fuck this shit.

Connor pounds forward towards Jared and grabs him by the collar of his red fannel and throws him against the lockers. He can hear yelling around him but he can only focus and Jared's scared face as he sneers.

"You know, I think you're and asshole to me because you have your own problems Kleinman. So deal with those first and get back to me." he goes to leave. "Oh, and. You're lucky you're cute, or you would be in the ground. See ya." He grabs his bag off the floor and leaves the school.

Fuck Jared and his stupid fucking (cute) face.

 

* * *

 

     Jared has never been more turned on in his life. He scared half to death and Evan is beside him, stuttering and asking him if he's okay, but he has a raging hard on, and he thought he was straight? Because Connor Murphy might look like a girl but he definitely has a dick in those jeans- and Jared is. Confused.

But he definitely needs to go to the bathroom, or at least get out of the hallway, so he tells Evan he needs to go and he runs off.

So now he's hiding in a stall questioning his sexuality.

He doesn't know about anything, if he's being honest. He's had sex with a girl once and that's it, the rest of the things he talks about is from online. Which is extremely pathetic, but it's not like he can ask his parents, who are gay married women, about guys.

He leaves the stall when he knowns no one else is in the bathroom, and takes off his glasses. He rubs his eyes and splashes water in his face. His only option now is to ignore everything and forget it ever happened. He hoped it would go away.

(it didn't.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after this chapter I have none to post in advance; so shorter updates! ;w;

     Whenever Connor came to school, Jared would take one look at him and run off. It was so conflicting, because he should be glad about not being called a freak everyday, but the other half of him wants to kiss Jared. He decided that he would try to get high again. Maybe it would be at least bearable, because he just needs a few hours of quiet bliss.

After school, he tells his mom a bullshit lie and heads to the orchard. He goes (breaks) in and finds the tallest tree and sits under it, and begins his routine.

Connor lights, breathes in, and blows the smoke out of his mouth all in five seconds, because his hands are shaking again. He closes his eyes, and he thinks, maybe he can be friends with Jared.

Fuck.

Connor doesn't understand himself on weed. Its like his conscience, which is weird, because aren't people like him supposed to be all chill and stupid when they're high? Because Connor thinks the craziest things when he's high. Like, "maybe you should ask you're mom for help," or "maybe you should fix your relationship with your sister."

He tells himself to do those things, but then he falls asleep, wakes up, and he's not high anymore, and those thoughts turn into unrealistic hopes. So when he goes to school, Jared will still avoid him, Connor will still be gay and pining, and the vicious cycle will repeat.

He's got a few hours until his drugs wear off, he thinks. So he grabs his phone and types a message.

 

**you:**

 

do u know jareds number

 

**zoe:**

 

Jared Kleinman?

 

**you:**

 

yes

 

**zoe:**

 

Isn't that the kid that bully's you?

 

**you:**

 

id hardly call it that

 

**zoe:**

 

Don't tell me you're gonna murder him or something.

 

**you:**

 

no, give the damn number

 

**zoe:**

 

Fine. Mom says be home by 8.

 

**you:**

 

fine

 

**zoe:**

 

What are you doing anyways?

 

**you:**

 

what else would Connor be doing right now

 

**zoe:**

 

You're high aren't you?

 

He doesn't gift it with a response. She already knows the answer. Now its time to make bad life choices while he still has some time left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS I know nothing about weed I'm just a bean okay


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! have this is guess,, more on the way!! :)

**unknown number:**

guess who

 

you:

uh? not sure pal.

 

**unknown number:**

Connor.

 

you:

connor. Connor murphy?

 

**unknown number:**

that's what I said isn't it

 

you:

what do you want?

 

**unknown number:**

uh to text you

 

you:

are you mentally unstable

 

**freak:**

yes but i dont know what that has to do with anything

 

you:

um, everything!! why the hell are you texting me? to like torment me or something?

 

**freak:**

not really

 

you:

I'm going to delete your number this is freaking me out man.

 

**freak:**

wow the infamous jared kleinman is scared of me!

 

you:

shut up asshole. why are u actually texting me?

 

**freak:**

I'm really high actually

 

you:

oh

 

**freak:**

yeah. you gonna block my number now?

 

you:

what gave u the idea to text me when your high?

 

**freak:**

sometimes I think weird shit. I thought I should be friends with you and then texted before I chicken out when I'm sober

 

you:

what the hell

 

**freak:**

I really must be a freak, right

 

you:

no, you must be joking. why would you want to be friends with me?

 

**freak:**

I honestly I think you literally only have one friend, Ethan? and I have zero so why not compromise

 

you:

his name is evan. and excuse me I have plenty of friends!!

 

**freak:**

yeah right, hansen is the only one that would put up with your fucking personality. and me I guess it doesn't really bother me

 

you:

the fuck? would u actually say any of this sober?

 

**freak:**

no but the weed is wearing off

 

**freak:**

jared?

 

you:

fine, whatever. don't make this weird.

 

**connor:**

oh it will be


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to do another chapter cause the last one was kinda ehh,,
> 
> tw: panic attack mention, connor angst ):

     Connor didn't know what he was expecting, really. Part of his brain tried to live out the scenario where he actually wasn't a fucking mess, but he knew that this would go very, very bad.

"Don't skip school or get high." he heard Zoe leer as he came down the steps. "Again," she added.

He forced out a laugh. "Fuck you."

Like in sync, Zoe and Larry both glared at him from the kitchen. Cynthia looked like she was gonna cry. Connor threw himself in a chair and picked at his nail polish to try and keep from freaking out.

He looked at Larry typing away at his laptop, sipping his coffee and paying no attention to him. Connor scoffed and threw his head on the table.

"Connor, honey, did you have a good first day?" He heard his mom call from behind him, and he opened his mouth to answer and-

"He slammed a kid against a locker." came Zoe, in all her bitchy glory.

Connor slammed his head against the table again and groaned. Cynthia seemed surprised, and he didn't know why she was anymore. Larry slowly closed his laptop and took off his glasses.

His mom set down her coffee and sighed. "Oh, Connor. Did something happen?" He didn't want to answer, and even if he could, Larry scoffed.

"Stop treating him like a baby, Cynthia. He went to school high, and he got violent like he always does, nothing changes with him."

Connor realized he had bit the inside of his mouth so hard, it started bleeding.

Larry sipped his coffee. "He's probably high right now."

"I'm not fucking high, _Larry!_ " Connor spat, throwing his hands on the table as it shook under the weight. Zoe flinched.

Larry's face turned angry. "Do not yell at me."

"You won't do anything!" Connor snarled. "You won't stop me, and you guys won't fucking help me either! I'm messed up and you don't do anything!"

Cynthia had tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. "Connor, we know you-"

"Cynthia, stop." Larry said. "He always does this! He blames his bad behavior on his _'mental illness.'_ "

Connor felt numb, and he was shaking so hard, he felt a panic attack approaching him. Zoe looked like she wanted to go back to her room and lock it, because of him. Cynthia was almost bracing his impact, the tears now freely pouring down her cheeks, seeping into her shirt. Suddenly everything was wrong. His arms were too hot, and his scars started to itch under his hoodie. He needed to get high. He needed to leave. He needed to breathe.

Connor exhaled shakily; unclenched his fists. He grabbed his bag. "I'll walk to school." and he turned and slammed the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

If his house was hell, school would just be a lesser version of fucking terrible. He planned on skipping anyway. Except he had a deal that Jared probably would flake out on, but he would go through with it anyway. He didn't have anything to lose at this point. As soon as he got to school, he headed straight to Jared's locker. The kid with the stutter, Evan, was there, as usual.

Connor swallowed his nervousness. "Hey asshole." he said.

_Smooth._

Jared turned, wide eyed, and Evan looked like he was gonna piss himself. "What's your first class?" he asked.

Jared let out a snort. "AP Calculus, which isn't yours, obviously."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Fuck off. We going to skip or not?"

Jared laughed. He flushed. "Sure, Hot Topic."

Evan opened his mouth nervously. "U-um, what-?"

The other boy pushed up his glasses and gave a grin. "No worries. He's all bark and no bite." Connor huffed. "I'll be back to give you a ride, no worries."

Evan picked his cast nervously and nodded a lot. "Y-yeah... sure-um. Yeah. See you t-then, I guess..."

"See ya acorn!" Jared yelled to him, turning away and walking with Connor.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slow burn? sorry I don't know her
> 
> tw: gay slurs, drugs, angsty dad talk
> 
> head the new tags bbys :,))

He couldn't stop thinking about Jared's mouth.

Even though the entire situation was so fucking awkward, sitting behind the school in the parking lot, smoking weed with Jared Kleinman, Connor's eyes just kept drifting lower.

Did he always have that gap between his front teeth? Its fucking cute, holy shit.

The mini Larry in his head called him a faggot, but he could hardly pay attention to that because Jared had a gap between his teeth, _oh my god._

He felt a touch at his shoulder, and he looked up. The other boy grinned, gap in all. Connor's heart fluttered a bit. Jared didn't say anything, he just shook his hand towards him, so he handed him the joint. When he used his two fingers to bring the joint to his lips, and he inhaled, blowing the smoke into the sky without choking, Connor fell in love all over again.

And then he remembered Jared was an asshat.

"So does weed make everyone crazy, or just you?"

Connor snarled and ripped the joint from the other boy's fingers, taking a hit. He blew it in Jared's face, smirking as he coughed and took off his glasses.

Jared rubbed his teary eyes and choked a lot. "Fuck you Murphy."

Connor was already getting lost in his fourth drag, so he laughed lowly. "You wish, straight boy."

Maybe it was the weed, but he thinks Jared turned three shades darker. He pushed up his glasses and asked for the joint again. Connor gave it to him.

He heard the shorter boy start to laugh. "I haven't smoked in forever, fuck." Another laugh. "I think I needed this."

Connor laughed. "What could possibly be wrong in Jared Kleinman's insanely cool life?"

Jared seemed to sober in a few seconds. "Everything. My life kinda sucks ass."

"Compared to mine?" Connor chuckled darkly. "Try having your family hate you and want you to disappear forever."

Jared pushed up his glasses and rubbed his chin. "Hm, well... try having an abusive dad still trying to ruin your mom's life."

Connor hummed. "It's better than having a homophobic dad try to convince you that you're not gay."

"You're... gay?"

He turned to face Jared for the first time that they had been talking. It only lasted for a few seconds, because he growled and laughed. "Yeah. You gonna tell everyone I'm a fag and ruin my life? Cause it's already fucked anyways."

Jared looked surprised, maybe even borderline offended by what he said. He shook his head seriously, playing with the joint in his fingers. "Dude, I have two mom's. I would never... do something that horrible."

Connor relaxed, his eyes widening in surprise. "Oh."

Jared nodded, his glance moving down to his feet. "Yeah."

It was silent for a few moments after that. Connor looked at the forest behind the school, trying to focus on something else other than the boy next to him. He pulled his knees to his chest and rubbed his hands together. Then the pictures of holding hands with Jared came into his head and he buried his face in his knees. His thoughts were broken though, and he lifted his head to look at Jared.

His eyes widened. "What did you say?"

Jared rubbed the back of his neck. "How do you know if you like... I don't know, fuck. I mean. How can you tell if you like someone?"

Connor was speechless for a few seconds. he had to close his mouth and swallow before answering. "Why are you asking the guy who likes boys?"

Jared slammed his palm against his forehead. "You fucking... because it is a boy Connor, jesus!"

Connor licked his lips and nodded slowly. "Right..."

The other boy frowned and shook his head angrily. "I'm fucking serious!"

Connor held out his hands in defeat. "Fine, fine! Okay." he tapped his fingers on his knee a few times before looking at Jared. "It's the same shit with chicks, except guys are really fucking stupid. You have to be straightforward because you don't wanna be pining over a delusional idiot."

Jared seemed to take all of it in, like it was homework to remember for an assignment or something. He nodded, pushing up his glasses again like it was a nervous twitch. "So I should tell them how I feel."

He nodded. "As soon as possible."

Jared nodded and looked away.

Connor laughed to fill the silence. He stood up, cracking his back, and Jared follow suit. He grabbed the joint, which was almost gone, and gestured in to the other boy. He chuckled nervously.

"Do you wanna finish the end? Because I'm pretty high right now-"

Connor blinked, and the stub of the joint slipped from his fingers onto the pavement. He had to register chapped lips placed atop his, fingers ghosting against his shoulder, lingering but not touching him. Connor flushed head to toe, his eyes sliding shut as he leaned in closer. He realized Jared was shaking, standing on his tip toes just to kiss him. He also realized he wasn't moving at all, his body frozen and his eyes squeezed shut.

He felt a hand leave his shoulder and Jared returned to his normal height. He opened his eyes and the other boy looked terrified, like he was itching to run back into the school and never see him again. He couldn't deal with that, so Connor grasped the back of Jared's neck and pulled him back up to kiss him once more.

Jared whimpered, tugging at his hair and flushed against him. They were touching chests now, but Connor wanted to be _closer._ He grabbed the smaller boy's hip and lifted his leg, pushing him softly against the brick wall they were leaning against earlier. This made Jared gasp, and he smirked against his lips. Connor pulled away to breathe, catching sight of the boy under him, his wrecked face making him grin. He let his head droop onto Jared's shoulder as he kissed his neck. Jared groaned.

Connor smiled against the boy's neck, biting a little mark on his jugular. He chuckled. "So you like me, Kleinman?"

Jared scratched his back, lifting his leg a little higher, laughing exhaustedly. "Shut the fuck up and kiss me, asshole," and he was tugged back down by his hoodie.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another! 
> 
> includes more soft bois and some evan + jared bonding (:

So. He wasn't straight. That's new. Having a hot make out session with Connor Murphy is also new. In just two days, Jared Kleinman realized he was basically a whole different person.

Yeah, the old Jared never missed school, because he had a 4.0 GPA to keep in check. The old Jared thought he was straight, and the old Jared didn't have a crush on Connor fucking Murphy.

The new Jared felt amazing. He missed his quiz in AP Calculus, he was still kinda high off his mind, and Connor was pinning him to the wall behind the school, kissing him like a secret school girl crush. Except Connor was gay, Jared was something else he didn't know yet, and that made him feel fucking _fantastic._

It felt like hours, kissing Connor. The taller boy didn't take anything too far, so they just kissed until they were out of breath. Jared's favorite moments would be when they would have to stop, and he would get to see Connor's face again, his lips swollen and his face flushed beautifully that made him look like some kind of prince. And then Connor would dive down again, and it felt like every kiss after the next was better, deeper, and Jared would lean in closer every time.

At some point, Jared remembered pulling away for a chance to finally talk. He breathed heavily, almost in sync with Connor's breaths.

He gulped, he throat dry. "Are you still high?"

The boy above him took a minute to respond. "Yes. Are you?"

Jared laughed. "A little."

Connor frowned. "Why are you asking?"

He shook his head smiling. "Sometimes when you're stoned you forget what you do." he paused. "I don't want to forget this."

Connor grabbed Jared's chin and lifted it. "Me either." and then he reached to pull him up for another kiss.

His eyes widened as he pushed him away. He sighed and rubbed his face. Connor's face scrunched up in confusion. "What is it?"

"I forgot, I have to give Evan a ride. Fuck!" Jared scrambled for his bag on the ground and threw it over his shoulder. Connor did the same.

He pulled up his phone and checked the time. He sighed in relief that he wasn't late, or had made Evan walk home. Jared slipped his phone back in his shorts pocket and laughed.

"I gotta go." he said.

Connor nodded, smoothing his hand over his bag strap. "Jared," he said, "See you." He leaned down and pecked Jared on the lips, turning and walking to the front of the school. Jared couldn't help but stare at his ass, and it made him flush.

He would definitely be confessing some things to Evan. Without the added details.

 

* * *

 

"Hey Evan, I like guys," was the first thing that came out of his mouth when his friend strapped himself in his car.

Evan choked almost comically. He covered his mouth and swallowed down his coughing, turn in his head to look at Jared tapping his fingers against the drivers wheel nervously.

"Oh... um, thats. T-thats fine." Evan responded slowly.

Jared turned the key and started the car, nodding. "Yeah. I just wanted to let you know. I guess."

Evan gave him a small smile. "T-Thanks for um, t-telling me, Jared." he paused. "That's pretty- pretty b-brave of you... Y-yeah."

"Sure, whatever." Jared huffed, hiding the smile that threatened to appear on his lips.

The drive was silent until halfway. Jared didn't expect the other boy to say anything else to him, but Evan stuttered out a noise.

"S-so, do you just like guys or? I-I mean, it's totally okay I _wasnttryingtoberudeoranything_!"

Jared sighed, laughing. "Calm down. Don't have a panic attack in my car, alright?" Evan nodded and gulped.

"Sorry," he said.

"It's fine, jeez. And I don't know. I definitely like girls too."

"That's n-nice," Evan said. "how did you, u-um- you know-"

"Figure it out?" Jared added.

"Yeah."

"Well..." He dragged out, grinning, "You know, when Connor pushed me the other day, my dick really seemed to enjoy-"

Evan hacked on nothing. "C-Connor Murphy!?"

Jared grinned from ear to ear, managing to take in the boy's surprised expression whilst still watching the road. "The one and only," he laughed.

Evan chewed on his lip. "T-that's Zoe's brother..." he mumbled.

"Yeah. Fucking weird right? We both have a hard on for a Murphy sibling."

"I-I do not!- _Jared_!"

"Don't deny it!"

And then they were both laughing. Granted Evan's was more nervously, but he had his small smile nonetheless. Jared parked in front of Evan's house and leaned his shoulder on his open window. He turned to face him.

"Hey, can you keep the stuff about Connor a secret for me?" he asked, very seriously. Which was rare of him, Evan realized. He nodded frantically.

"Okay."

Jared nodded. "Thanks Tree Boy," he said as Evan pulled the car door open and shut it behind him.

"Don't call me that!" he yelled, running to his front porch, and up the steps. He gave him a smile before entering his house.

Jared sighed in relief, leaning his head on the wheel. Evan was probably the only nice person he knew. He wondered why the boy even still hung out with him. Even thought he's an asshole to him, Evan doesn't have any other friends. Which made Jared sad. Kind of. Mostly.

He sighed. He needed to get out of his head. When he rolled up his window and started the car again, his phone buzzed in his back pocket. He pulled it out and checked his messages.

**connor:**  
_wanna hang?_

Jared grinned as he typed.

me:  
_my place or yours?_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE GAY. and jared's family too.

Connor didn't want to put Jared through the torture of meeting his family, so they decided to go to his place. But also because he needed to get away from that hell again. When he arrived home, Zoe could smell the weed on him and ratted to Cynthia. She started crying when him and Larry had another screaming match so he pounded up the stairs and threw his bedside dresser over because he didn't have a door to slam. He had to ride out his anger by pacing around his room. Sometime during it he heard Zoe slip into her room and lock her door. That numbed him out.

So he decided to message Jared. Probably the best thing he's done in a while.

Connor came back down the stairs as Larry and Cynthia argued silently in the kitchen, and he slipped out the door carefully, shooting a text to Jared.

_me:_   
_omw._

 

* * *

 

Walking to Jared's cleared his head. Although it was getting cold as fuck and it took forever, Connor was glad he did, because he didn't have the urge to smoke twice in a day. He checked his phone to see he had the right address and knocked twice on the door, his hands shivering.

When the door opened, instead of his striped shirt and flannel, Jared had a long green shirt with "LMAO" printed on the front in huge obnoxious letters. Although he still had his stupid fucking khaki shorts on, and it made Connor laugh aloud. Jared glanced at him, then his driveway, and cursed.

"You fucking idiot. It's the coldest day of fall." he said, grabbing Connor's wrist and pulling him inside, shutting the front door behind them.

Connor smirked and rubbed his palms together. "Good to see you too, asshole."

The other boy rolled his eyes and pushed up his glasses. "Come here, I'll get you a hand warmer."

He grabbed Connor's freezing hand and led him into the living room. He pushed him on the couch and rummaged through a side table before handing him a small white packet, his hand lingering on Connor's.

"There." he mumbled.

"Thanks." Connor said, taking the warmer and sliding it on his knuckles. He pushed a strand of hair behind his ear and glanced back at Jared, who stared right back at him.

"So I know I'm a great kisser and everything, but is there another reason you wanted to come here?" Jared inquired, grinning.

Connor laughed, (it surprised him that he could actually do that without being high,) and shook his head. "If I didn't leave my house I'm sure I would've lost my fucking mind."

Jared snorted. "You're lucky my parents aren't here then. My Ma would want to bored you to death with her 'crazy ER stories!'"

"Sounds pretty gnarly." Connor replies.

"Definitely. Don't ever mention that show 'Monsters Inside Me' to her. I'm pretty sure that's why I'm fucked up."

He laughed again and Jared joined him. This is the most he's talked to another human being since that therapist he saw once over the summer of last year. Mr. Voss made him talk about his feelings and asked him about school, and Connor wanted to slit his throat and jump out the window of the office. Except all he wanted to do now was lean over and kiss Jared. So he did.

Connor set the hand warmer on his lap and reached forward to touch the boy's cheek. He smoothed the corner of Jared's lips with his thumb and leaned in. Their lips brushed together so softly, that Connor thought he might melt into a puddle on the couch. He has never been this gentle to anyone in a long time, and it actually made him happy. It would only last for a while, and Connor knew, but he hasn't felt this way before. Maybe that scared him a bit, but instead he leaned back to breath, and moved foward to kiss him again.

Jared made a small noise, lifting his hand and tugging Connor back by his hair gently, separating them. He was flushed and panting, but he still managed a grin.

"As much as I'd love to make out with you Connor, my mom is gonna be home soon and I don't want her to flip her shit."

Connor nodded sluggishly in reply. He set his hand on Jared's waist. "What do you do for fun, Jared Kleinman?"

"Video games," he says, laughing. "Bet you five bucks I can beat you at Mario Kart."

Connor smirks. "You're on."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhh this is where I use creative liberty and shape jared's fucked up back story. sorry I'm horrible lol. also apologies if Connor seems ooc in the chapter, I give context later :)
> 
> tw: panic attack, sad boi jare :,(

Jared laughs because he is now five dollars richer. He watched Connor struggle on actually figuring out how the game works on the Wii controller, and he covered his mouth to quiet his loud laughter. He got an angry glare and a slap on the leg, which made him laugh even harder. He even chose one of the hardest courses, just to watch the other boy suffer. Being an asshole had its perks. Connor almost threw the controller across the room before grabbing his wallet and handing him a five.

"You're a dick." he said, small smile still on his lips.

"That makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. Thank you." he says, feigning happiness with his hand over his heart. He laughs when Connor rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"What now, Four Eyes?" he asks.

Jared stands up to turn of the Wii and put away the controllers. He falls back on his bed and sighs. "I don't know. Wanna be my therapist?"

Connor laughs, and then his face falls. "You're serious?"

He closes his eyes and shrugs. "Sure. Even though you got your own shit."

The other boy nods hesitantly, licking his lips nervously. "Okay. Vomit your feelings to me."

Jared grins slightly, throwing his hands behind his head. "Alright. I don't do this with anyone, by the way. Talk, I mean."

"Okay." is his only reply.

"Fine, sure. Fuck, Doc, I have a horrible condition. I'm a major dick!" he yells, throwing his hands in the air.

Connor laughs, coughing the keep up the façade. "What do you think caused this?"

"Probably my repressed emotions and identity struggles."

"Right. Any emotions you want to get off your chest?"

Jared pauses. This is a bad idea. He shouldn't be doing this. Not with Connor, not with anyone. Last time this happened, nothing happened. That's it. Jared can't talk about his problems because no one believes him, and if he talks now, Connor will leave him.

His throat feels scratchy, like its not working. When did he stop breathing? He gasps and digs into his neck with his nails.

 _Not now, please_ , he tries to ask. He still can't breathe. He's staring at his ceiling when the black spots start to appear, and then Connor is touching his fingertips with his and he let's out a sob. Connor is clutching his hand, placing it over his own heart, which is beating rapidly, but not as fast as his own. His hearing tunes back and Jared can hear Connor's voice shaking.

"Jared, please, breathe with me. C'mon. You can do it," he says, and Jared would laugh if he could, because Connor sounds like his mother.

He suddenly feels their heartbeats start to sync, and Jared finally inhales and exhales without his breath quivering. He takes more deep breaths just to relish in it. His eyes slipped close a while ago, so he opens them and stares at Connor silently. He looks so scared and relieved at the same time, and Jared wants to cry. He doesn't.

"I'm sorry." he mumbles. And then Connor looks angry.

"Don't say that. Ever." he growls a bit, his voice returning back to a whisper. "Jared, you..." he pauses. "what happened to you?"

Jared laughs pitifully, wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands. "Fuck, just," he sniffles, "just a lot of shit."

Connor doesn't ask anything else. Instead, he pulls the smaller boy into his lap and plays with his short brown hair. Jared goes to jam his fist in his mouth the keep from sobbing, but Connor grabs it and links their fingers together.

"It's good to cry sometimes, you know."

 _Fuck_.

Jared buries his head in his long hair and sniffles. Soon the sniffles turn to sobs and then snores as he drifts away.


End file.
